I am completely obsessed with love, sex + relationships.
However, unlike some, I am not interested in sex out of the context of committed, conscious partnership.
Nor am I interested in love + relationships without incredible sexual connection.
Separating out love + sex and exploring them without the presence of both is absolutely fine and I encourage you to do so if you feel called.
What I’m saying is that it’s not my passion, personally.
That’s because I’ve seen + experienced the mind blowing effects of combining both and ‘having it all’ in a relationship - and that’s what I’ll attempt to describe to you more here.
I do this because it’s the crux of what I bring to the table and the basis of the work that I do with individuals and couples.
What I see clearly is that there is NOT full integration between love, sex + relationships in our current culture, including within the coaching/helping space. At the very least, it’s rare.
While we all know these things are interconnected, I see conscious relationships often spoken of in a very dry + boring way, without the acknowledgement of how crucial it is to have juicy, dripping, absolutely ecstatic sex included in romantic partnership.
On the other end of the spectrum, I see sex being isolated into sex education without the integration of how powerful it is within the context of deep intimacy, love + support.
This is why I will never call myself a sex therapist - it's just not interesting to me. Sex is only interesting to me in the context of conscious, committed relationship.
I am not a superficial person. I am here for depth. And I believe with the fullness of my heart that you cannot have depth in love without amazing sex. And vice versa, you cannot have depth in sex without amazing love.
This is less of a critique of people separating these things out from one another and more of an expression of my intense passion for the work I PERSONALLY want to do in this world.
I have no problem with people having as much sex as they want within or withoutd committed partnership. There is no judgment here of whatever you choose to do with your life, as long as it's not causing harm.
I am also not saying that there’s anything wrong with you or your current relationship if you do not have full integration of deep love + ecstatic sex.
What I AM saying is that I believe the pinnacle of what’s POSSIBLE in these realms, if you choose to be open to it - and if this is important to you - is romantic partnership that is deeply imbued with love, support, growth, AND mind blowing sex.
This is where my work comes to the table. My ideal clients know this is possible AND are looking for support to get there.
I think we all know the difference between sex with someone that’s just for fun + pleasure vs. sex with someone that you have a deep physical, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual bond with.
There’s just no comparison.
I know MANY people who are teaching love, sex + relationships in isolation, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that - there are many different approaches to this work, and people will be drawn to the type of support that they need the most.
In fact, the entry point into evolving in love + sex is typically not to go straight into advanced territory.
Love, sex + relationships end up neatly separated out because we, as a collective, have not accepted (or experienced) a romantic relationship that truly has it all: deep love + connection + phenomenal sex.
We have not expanded our definition of what may be possible with another human in this type of high level relationship, and there are so many reasons for that.
One reason is that these types of relationships aren't common, and there aren't very many models of them. So it’s just not considered realistic in many cases.
Another reason is that we have not yet experienced this ourselves, so we may doubt that it’s even possible.
I can assure you that it is.
I DID NOT SETTLE until I met a man that I connected with deeply on the physical, emotional, intellectual + spiritual levels. He also needed to be able to commit without reservation.
Why did I not settle? I hadn’t yet experienced this type of relationship, but my heart was driving me full force in that direction. It would’ve been SO EASY for me to not believe this was possible.
But my heart not only believed it was possible, but knew that I was 100% worthy of it despite the fact that I was over 40 and a single mom who was freshly divorced. My whole heart KNEW that it would not be satisfied until I had called that type of relationship in.
I finally found that love, and it's beyond anything I’ve ever experienced.
Let me pause for a minute to tell you the essence of what it means to be in a conscious relationship. It means that you are fully aware of the potential of romantic relationship to be THE #1 driver for your own personal evolution.
There is no other type of relationship out there that has the potential to expand you as fully as the romantic relationship, because it includes deep intimacy + sex and brings up ALL of your stuff in ALL areas.
(It’s important to note that you aren’t seeking conscious relationship solely for your own benefit. You are also doing it for the benefit of your partner, the relationship, and everyone around you. This is huge.)
Conscious relationships REQUIRE that you go all in. And often, there's a prerequisite to this type of love: the deep wisdom + maturity from tough lessons learned.
The first hand experience and pain of living what DIDN'T work in these areas provided the catalyst for me to be able to step into a new reality. To put my foot down and say never again.
It's that way for so many people.
And even though those of us committed to conscious partnership often have a clear vision of the way we want things to be THIS time around, it's not easy.
Again, you must be willing to own your sh-t and uplevel for the sake of: 1) yourself, 2) your partner, 3) the relationship, and 4) everyone around you. This requires putting ego to the side.
You must also realize that the 'work' is never over, and that every day, every situation is an opportunity to evolve into a greater version of yourself.
(I put 'work' in quotes because I actually don't see it as an arduous thing, it's actually quite exciting and pleasurable for me personally, and is one reason I really embrace the 'work' never being over.)
There is a sense of accountability in the relationship that keeps you on your toes in the best way possible - coming both from yourself and your partner.
This is because stagnancy in a relationship is the beginning of the end.
Conscious relationships are not for you if you're wishy washy about being in or out. You have to fully commit.
Committing doesn't mean you swear to be with that person forever (it could, but doesn't have to) - what I'm speaking of in terms of commitment is a commitment to GROWTH. To accountability in the most loving way possible. To supporting each other's personal and professional goals to the fullest. To being there when things get hard, and not turning away (or running away completely). To hold each other in all of our expressions, not just the ones that please us. To also deeply knowing the other person at their highest and holding space for them to return to that place when they are ready.
The rewards are indescribable, and although my partner and I have already seen exponential growth in both our personal lives and the relationship itself, there is a sense that we've only scratched the surface.
The huge transformations that have occurred in such a short time in both of our lives are PROFOUND - no workshop or coaching experience will evolve you in this way.
Deep love and support with growth at the core is responsible. Add in a deep reverence for sex as a vehicle for the deepest, most exquisite form of intimacy and vulnerability with another human, and it’s a game changer.
This next-level love is the only way forward, in my opinion. It is past time for us to seriously upgrade our love lives. This is beyond something that’s nice to have. It’s a vehicle for deep personal and collective transformation - and I could not be more passionate about delivering this message.
If you're interested in this type of love, book a call with me here so we can talk more about how to get you there.
Holding it All
First of all, yay. Election's over. Let's all go take a nap and chill for a second.
One thing I know for sure is that we are solidly in a period of WTF is even happening on a daily basis. Ultimately, I believe it's for our highest good, and wonder if we really were THAT asleep to have to be rocked so hard MULTIPLES TIMES in order to awaken from our slumber.
It looks like the answer to that is, yes, most likely.
I can honestly say that 2020 has been one of my hardest years, but also one of my best. Can anyone else relate?
I faced personal devastation amidst collective chaos when I my mom died on the same day George Floyd was killed while we were two months into the pandemic that turned the world on its head.
I couldn't take the time and space that I needed to grieve because I was helping support my son through understanding the riots while simultaneously showing up to the community of South Central Los Angeles as a psychologist holding space for all of the activated trauma there - oh, and of course trying to deal with finding toilet paper and prepping for the apocalypse.
The person I was in May 2020 had ALREADY been through many things that made me a strong woman. But with all of that happening, I was a minute away from calling 911 on myself.
I've been asked daily by the Universe, "How much can you hold?"
There have been days where I've cried, wanted to tear my hair out and give up, and fell into deep victim mode. That's all good, and understandable as a human.
However, one of my core beliefs is that through struggle comes growth. Immense opportunity. And what I've discovered (now that I'm through it, of course) is that I can hold A LOT.
I'm the strongest and most resilient I've ever been in my life, and I'm tending to myself. I know who I am like never before. I also know how to be impeccable with self care, setting boundaries, and saying NO to what I can't or don't want to handle.
I also know that I need to get better about asking for help and admitting that I can't do it all alone. And that I have a lot more work to do around softening, surrendering, and allowing myself to be held (the next level of the feminine I'm being asked to master.)
I laugh when I remember that I called this all in. In January 2020, I set intentions for the next decade. Here was intention #1:
I want to master feeling the ecstasy of life, fully opening to the pleasure of the human experience, within myself and everyone, riding the waves of chaos and seeing the beauty in it all, the dark and the light, the beauty in tears and anger, the majesty of our spectrum of emotions, transmuting every moment into the pleasure of being alive in this exact moment - and hoping to inspire others to do the same.
Be careful what you wish for, right?
Seriously, though, I stand by this. I KNOW that we are all being asked to increase our ability to hold intensity. We are. I believe it's actually part of a collective upgrade to our nervous systems (and especially to those of us who are 'empaths' or 'highly sensitive people.')
In this time of great transition, you're either going to rise to the occasion or fall really f-cking hard.
And for those of us who are helpers/healers, we need to develop the capacity to hold space for others at a level deeper than we ever imagined.
Part of this opening to intensity and holding it all is an art form. It's not always feasible to say, BRING IT ALL ON NOW! There are some days we will be strong enough to face it, and some days we won't.
The Universe is serving up buckets of intensity at warp speed, and we have to choose and prioritize how we respond, and how we CAN respond in each moment.
One simple (yet crucial) question that we all need to ask ourselves is, "Is my battery full or low?"
Part of ensuring that we all have enough juice to be able to get through these days is being honest with what we can and can't handle. And being deeply mindful of this dance we need to do between deep self care and work in the world. Many activists need to take a day off, get themselves into the tub, and soak for a bit.
I am optimistic, though, that we are finally learning that we cannot help anyone if we are not helping ourselves.
The biggest lesson that I'm learning relates strongly to developing collective resilience:
There is a reframing happening in my mind around what is and is not acceptable. A welcoming of ALL THAT IS with open arms and seeing everything as SO F-CKING BEAUTIFUL. A welcoming of the chaos, of the messiness, of death, of the hard stuff, of courageous conversations, of being stretched in ways WAY outside of my comfort zone. A deep internalization of the life/death/life cycle that is intimately tied to sacred evolution.
It goes back to this idea of being able to hold it all. I really don't believe that we can feel the depths of ecstasy without also being able to hold the depths of sorrow. Can I dance along this spectrum of life, feeling it all, honoring it all?
I'd like to see...
My name is Leigh-Anne, and I am a holistic psychologist specializing in love, sex + relationships.