Key #2 is all about CO-CREATION.
This was the hardest pill for me to swallow, but changed EVERYTHING when I got it.
It's also a big reason why Andrés and I have such a solid foundation. We want everyone to understand + work with this principle.
How has the concept of co-creation been helpful for you? How has it served you in relationship? Let me know in the comments below.
Book a free consult here if you need support in this area.
In this video series, I'll be sharing with you my top three keys for high-level relationships.
The first, absolutely foundational key has to do with bringing a growth mentality to your relationship with your partner.
Let me know in the comments below: Do you currently share a growth mindset with your partner? How has this helped? Is it challenging to do this?
Book a free consult here if you need support in this area.
Many of you have been asking for my definition of conscious relationships.
Here's what Andrés and I practice.
Conscious Relationship Agreements:
We know that conscious romantic relationships bring up all of our 'stuff' so that we can heal and grow - things we can't see on our own, and things that don't get activated in other types of relationships.
We commit to doing the inner work to heal triggers and old patterns for the sake of ourselves, our partners, and everyone around us.
(This is what makes these relationships CONSCIOUS, and not unconscious. We are not operating from auto-pilot. We become aware of what we are doing, how we are responding, and get super curious about that.)
We understand that these relationships encourage deep vulnerability so that we can experience what it feels like to be loved fully for all of our parts.
We practice moving through conflict in a healthy way, without running away from challenges.
We understand that relationships are co-created. We are two people who are shaping every moment of our relationship. We avoid victim mentality and take ownership of our part.
We are fully aware of the potential of conscious romantic relationships to be THE #1 driver for our evolution. This is because they bring up everything that needs to be healed - much more so than any other type of relationship. We are committed to growth, both of ourselves and each other.
We strive for a multidimensional connection with each other on the physical, emotional, intellectual + spiritual levels, which deepens our bond and intimacy beyond words.
These principles guide not only our relationship, but the work that I am committed to doing here and in the world.
How does your relationship relate to these characteristics?
What's your own definition of a healthy, conscious partnership?
What parts of the above may be easy for you, and what's hard?
If you're activated and want to go deeper, schedule a free consult here.
I am overflowing with gratitude for Andrés, who has stepped up to the plate in a major way.
The past two months have been difficult for us, kind of unexpectedly.
His commitment to us and our growth reflects the type of man he is - one of extraordinary strength, dedication, and willingness to own his stuff and go all in.
I have never experienced a man with so much dedication before, willing to show up like this for me, for us, no matter what is thrown at him. Some days I'm like, OMFG, who IS this person?
It's challenged my beliefs of what I'm really worthy of.
Also, because it's actually much harder for men to be good. (I am not joking.) For him to stand firm in his commitment to be a good man and unlearn toxic conditioning is something I am LITERALLY blown away by. How much support do men have to really do this? How many models of this do they really have around them?
Yes, things are shifting, but it's actually quite complex and sophisticated to do, in my opinion. Choosing to be a good man in relationships requires a high level of consciousness, resilience, dedication, ownership, courage, and motivation. It requires a heart that is dedicated to love and growth for everyone involved.
It's way easier for men to uphold the status quo and perpetuate a system that benefits them above all else. So, making the choice to be a better man is no small feat, and I believe with every ounce of my being that this needs to be celebrated to the fullest.
It has me reflecting upon my own journey of anger towards men, how that's undoubtedly part of the path for many women who have experienced abuse in any form, but of how I am SO far past that now, with deep love for men and witnessing SO MANY of them rising up and reclaiming greatness.
I believe that once women are able to move past the anger, to really open + INVITE IN a man of this caliber, he will appear.
I could speak for days of my support for men's work, especially because I am the mother of a boy and have a deep desire to raise him into a good man. Words don't do that justice, I feel on some level that only mothers of boys can understand the call to action here.
As a single mom, I can't do it alone. I need men around me that are modeling that for him. And Andrés is a better model than I could've ever dreamed of.
For Andrés to stand in deep reverence of my intense emotionality, unpredictable cyclical nature, incredibly high standards + boundaries is stunning.
Truthfully if I was him, I wouldn't be able to do it.
His way of being in our relationship time and time again has inspired me: seeing him continue to open his heart to me despite the real risk of it getting smashed, refusing to run away, staying fully present amidst the storm, encouraging me to always go deeper into my own growth, allowing me to be FULLY open + honest + real because it's met with such love and acceptance and his ability to HOLD it like a f-cking champion is the standard he sets in our relationship.
I have no clue how he does it.
The work I've done to heal my relationship with my femininity, my body as a woman, my trauma from sexual abuse and all of the things seems quite easy in comparison, especially because how he shows up in our relationship has emerged naturally from who he is as a person and is a reflection of his innate majesty vs. years of intense workshopping or learning from the masters.
Last night we were reflecting upon everything, and I observed how our relationship is honestly beyond my wildest dreams. I think I said that from the start, but where we are now is a place I never thought I would ever experience in my life. Not even after I broke free of an unhappy marriage (that I assumed I would be in forever) and used that to massively redesign how I wanted it to be NEXT time. Nothing could have prepared me for the beauty of what I have called in. The level of my relationship with this man is truly something that takes my breath away on a daily basis. It feels magical, destined without a doubt, often with a life of its own, and exquisite even in times of great difficulty.
I have to be real with you guys. Our relationship is something that we want to let the world see, because it is special. I say that not from a place of "Hey, look at us, we're so great!" but from a place of deep knowingness that this relationship is beyond he and I, it's something that we have been gifted for everyone around us. What you have to know about us is that we are both incredibly private people. I have only recently gotten comfortable speaking to an audience, coming from younger years of intense social anxiety so crippling that I had to muster up courage to just leave the house. I never envisioned this, to be honest. It's a higher calling that is pushing us to share ourselves with the world. To allow you in to witness us is extraordinarily vulnerable. We are no experts in this domain of being seen. It opens us up to all sorts of judgments. But we do it for the greater good. Because he and I share the same vision of the evolution of relationships to the highest level - to unleash the ripe potential of conscious relationships as a vehicle for massive growth - to literally do this for the good of humanity, and as powerful models for the next generation.
If you've followed my work recently, you know that I will always be real with you on the bliss and transformative potential of this kind of relationship as well as the hardships. But it is truly worth every minute. I would not choose any other way. This type of relationship calls you to step up to the plate, and it isn't always easy. It excavates everything within you that needs to come to the surface to be met with love and healing, for the highest good of yourself and everyone around you. Even when you think you've done all the work, it invites you to go deeper. To peel back another layer. And to be able to do that with another human in the context of such deep levels of love + support is what makes this type of relationship so f-cking amazing. Shadow work done alone is part of the journey for many of us. But doing it within partnership is something that I can't put words to.
This shift towards conscious relationships starts with us. Will you choose to perpetuate the status quo in relationships for generations to come? To operate from knee-jerk reactions, triggers, and old patterns? Or will you choose to step up to the plate and learn how to do things differently, consciously?
This work is powerful and has the potential to massively uplevel humanity. It's my mission and deepest honor to be able to support you in the invitation to rise.
If you are activated and want to go deeper, book a free consult.
Today, I want to be real with you.
If you're someone who follows my work, I need you to know that it's rooted in DEEP, emotional, and often times painful lessons learned over the course of my life.
Here's what I've healed:
The path of how I healed all of these things forms the basis of the work that I now offer to you.
It's coming from a very real place of having been through all the things and now deeply desiring to help you do the same.
I will NEVER teach you something I haven't been through myself.
In 2014 when my marriage fell apart, my intuition pointed me down the path of healing my relationship with my femininity, my body, and my sexuality, and I am deeply grateful. These are now all foundations of my work.
I am now a completely changed woman, and everyone around me can see it. If you want to read more, click here.
I'm the happiest I've ever been, with the man of my dreams, loving my 10 year old son, and dedicated to living a life of passion, pleasure, and juiciness.
And although my journey was long + dark, I I do not believe that yours has to be similarly difficult. I believe in quantum healing.
I believe I was meant to go through everything I've gone through so that I can help you similarly transform.
My work is deep, meaningful, and meant for those who are ready for something more. I truly want this for every woman - especially the everyday woman.
We must understand that we have been stripped of our power by being taught that sexuality is wrong, shameful, or slutty. Our sexual energy = our life force energy, and this second chakra realm is connected to creativity, abundance, and our ability to receive.
When I was cut off from this place, I experienced depression, anxiety, weight problems, and an overall sense of something being really off.
The minute my ex-husband and I separated, my libido returned like a fire hose being unkinked, my energy and mood went through the roof, I effortlessly lost 10 lbs, and my whole vibration shifted POWERFULLY. I will never forget that moment.
I am not an advocate of using sexual energy unconsciously, but instead help women to unblock sexual shame and deeply heal our relationship with our bodies, realizing that we are an expression of the Divine Feminine.
There is also just no substitute for sex within the context of a super connected, loving partnership, and this has been one of the ways I've powerfully healed my wounds of abuse. So, I'm extraordinarily passionate about helping women to also understand the power of conscious partnership (which also of course goes way beyond sex).
I have never experienced more growth than I have in the past year and a half with my partner, and I've witnessed the same in his life. It's truly remarkable and beyond words, and I want to share this with every woman.
Women's power comes from the reclamation of our sexual sovereignty + the opening of our hearts and bodies fully to another in the context of safe, conscious partnership - I truly believe this with every ounce of my being.
Opening these reserves gives us the fuel to be able to fully do the work that we need to do in the world, our soul's work.
For those of you who want to go deeper, book a free consult here.
I am completely obsessed with love, sex + relationships.
However, unlike some, I am not interested in sex out of the context of committed, conscious partnership.
Nor am I interested in love + relationships without incredible sexual connection.
Separating out love + sex and exploring them without the presence of both is absolutely fine and I encourage you to do so if you feel called.
What I’m saying is that it’s not my passion, personally.
That’s because I’ve seen + experienced the mind blowing effects of combining both and ‘having it all’ in a relationship - and that’s what I’ll attempt to describe to you more here.
I do this because it’s the crux of what I bring to the table and the basis of the work that I do with individuals and couples.
What I see clearly is that there is NOT full integration between love, sex + relationships in our current culture, including within the coaching/helping space. At the very least, it’s rare.
While we all know these things are interconnected, I see conscious relationships often spoken of in a very dry + boring way, without the acknowledgement of how crucial it is to have juicy, dripping, absolutely ecstatic sex included in romantic partnership.
On the other end of the spectrum, I see sex being isolated into sex education without the integration of how powerful it is within the context of deep intimacy, love + support.
This is why I will never call myself a sex therapist - it's just not interesting to me. Sex is only interesting to me in the context of conscious, committed relationship.
I am not a superficial person. I am here for depth. And I believe with the fullness of my heart that you cannot have depth in love without amazing sex. And vice versa, you cannot have depth in sex without amazing love.
This is less of a critique of people separating these things out from one another and more of an expression of my intense passion for the work I PERSONALLY want to do in this world.
I have no problem with people having as much sex as they want within or without of committed partnership. There is no judgment here of whatever you choose to do with your life, as long as it's not causing harm.
I am also not saying that there’s anything wrong with you or your current relationship if you do not have full integration of deep love + ecstatic sex.
What I AM saying is that I believe the pinnacle of what’s POSSIBLE in these realms, if you choose to be open to it - and if this is important to you - is romantic partnership that is deeply imbued with love, support, growth, AND mind blowing sex.
This is where my work comes to the table. My ideal clients know this is possible AND are looking for support to get there.
I think we all know the difference between sex with someone that’s just for fun + pleasure vs. sex with someone that you have a deep physical, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual bond with.
There’s just no comparison.
I know MANY people who are teaching love, sex + relationships in isolation, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that - there are many different approaches to this work, and people will be drawn to the type of support that they need the most.
In fact, the entry point into evolving in love + sex is typically not to go straight into advanced territory.
Love, sex + relationships end up neatly separated out because we, as a collective, have not accepted (or experienced) a romantic relationship that truly has it all: deep love + connection + phenomenal sex.
We have not expanded our definition of what may be possible with another human in this type of high level relationship, and there are so many reasons for that.
One reason is that these types of relationships aren't common, and there aren't very many models of them. So it’s just not considered realistic in many cases.
Another reason is that we have not yet experienced this ourselves, so we may doubt that it’s even possible.
I can assure you that it is.
I DID NOT SETTLE until I met a man that I connected with deeply on the physical, emotional, intellectual + spiritual levels. He also needed to be able to commit without reservation.
Why did I not settle? I hadn’t yet experienced this type of relationship, but my heart was driving me full force in that direction. It would’ve been SO EASY for me to not believe this was possible.
But my heart not only believed it was possible, but knew that I was 100% worthy of it despite the fact that I was over 40 and a single mom who was freshly divorced. My whole heart KNEW that it would not be satisfied until I had called that type of relationship in.
I finally found my man in August 2019, and he blows my mind on a daily basis. The love that I feel for him is beyond anything I’ve ever experienced. Beyond my wildest dreams. It’s exquisite, and it’s fully reciprocal.
Let me pause for a minute to tell you the essence of what it means to be in a conscious relationship. It means that you are fully aware of the potential of romantic relationship to be THE #1 driver for your own personal evolution.
There is no other type of relationship out there that has the potential to expand you as fully as the romantic relationship, because it includes deep intimacy + sex and brings up ALL of your stuff in ALL areas.
(It’s important to note that you aren’t seeking conscious relationship solely for your own benefit. You are also doing it for the benefit of your partner, the relationship, and everyone around you. This is huge.)
Back to Andrés and I. We manifested each other because we were both ready to go ALL in. Conscious relationships REQUIRE that you go all in. And often, there's a prerequisite to this type of love: the deep wisdom + maturity from tough lessons learned.
The first hand experience and pain of living what DIDN'T work in these areas provided the catalyst for me to be able to step into a new reality. To put my foot down and say never again.
It's that way for so many people.
And even though those of us committed to conscious partnership often have a clear vision of the way we want things to be THIS time around, it's not easy.
Again, you must be willing to own your sh-t and uplevel for the sake of: 1) yourself, 2) your partner, 3) the relationship, and 4) everyone around you. This requires putting ego to the side.
You must also realize that the 'work' is never over, and that every day, every situation is an opportunity to evolve into a greater version of yourself.
(I put 'work' in quotes because I actually don't see it as an arduous thing, it's actually quite exciting and pleasurable for me personally, and is one reason I really embrace the 'work' never being over.)
There is a sense of accountability in the relationship that keeps you on your toes in the best way possible - coming both from yourself and your partner.
This is because stagnancy in a relationship is the beginning of the end.
Conscious relationships are not for you if you're wishy washy about being in or out. You have to fully commit.
Committing doesn't mean you swear to be with that person forever (it could, but doesn't have to) - what I'm speaking of in terms of commitment is a commitment to GROWTH. To accountability in the most loving way possible. To supporting each other's personal and professional goals to the fullest. To being there when things get hard, and not turning away (or running away completely). To hold each other in all of our expressions, not just the ones that please us. To also deeply knowing the other person at their highest and holding space for them to return to that place when they are ready.
The rewards are indescribable, and although my partner and I have already seen exponential growth in both our personal lives and the relationship itself, there is a sense that we've only scratched the surface.
The huge transformations that have occurred in such a short time in both of our lives are PROFOUND - no workshop or coaching experience will evolve you in this way.
Deep love and support with growth at the core is responsible. Add in a deep reverence for sex as a vehicle for the deepest, most exquisite form of intimacy and vulnerability with another human, and it’s a game changer.
This next-level love is the only way forward, in my opinion. It is past time for us to seriously upgrade our love lives. This is beyond something that’s nice to have. It’s a vehicle for deep personal and collective transformation - and I could not be more passionate about delivering this message.
Book a free consult and we can get to know each other.
Today I want to tell you about three people in the community who have had a MAJOR impact on me, with deep love for their work.
There is nothing I love more than to share the teachers, healers, and resources that have helped me along the way. Enjoy!
1. Erin Telford
Erin is the breathwork teacher extraordinaire. Breathwork has become a scene, especially here in LA, and breathwork teachers are popping up left and right (that's amazing, because breathwork is truly a portal to God.)
Breathwork can help you access - with so much love - areas that you wouldn't be able to uncover with years of traditional talk therapy. We need this type of rapid, break-your-heart-wide-open medicine amidst a mental health crisis that is only going to get worse as we traverse collective trauma like never before.
Having been in the 'scene' for the past three years, along with receiving my own teacher training from David Elliott, I am pretty discerning with who I choose to learn from. But Erin has fully won me over.
Her work is the most pure, most powerful, and most timely that I have experienced. She is truly the healer of our time. And the best part about Erin is that she is as humble as it gets.
In two days, she's offering a group breathwork session over Zoom for the Full Moon Eclipse. It's sure to be potent and impactful. Check her out here.
Although we've both learned from the same teacher, I'm so much more comfortable referring people to Erin than I am teaching breathwork myself to people. She and I have spoken about this, and she'll be mentoring me in January so that I have the confidence to incorporate this powerful tool into my 1:1 sessions and work with couples. That's because I know how effective the tool of breathwork is to open your heart/soul/intuition wide, thereby speeding up the process of deep inner transformation. So ethically, I can't leave it out of my work any longer.
2. Kimberly Harrison
Speaking of breathwork, during one of Erin's recent groups, I received a very clear message that I needed to find a spiritual voice coach. No, I don't want to become a professional singer. But I'm still healing years of crippling social anxiety, and although I have come SO FAR from that place, I am now increasing my ability to speak to hundreds of people without one iota of self consciousness holding me back.
When I put the call out for this kind of teacher, I was looking for someone that would uplevel my ability to be seen + heard in a major way. I wanted someone to be able to not only guide me to deep levels of love for my own voice (both inner and outer), but someone who could help me expand my range.
On top of that, I needed a teacher who understands the energetics of sound healing and using the voice as a vehicle of that kind of healing from a more spiritual perspective. Kimberly is that teacher, and she is mind blowing. She works with professional speakers, singers, and anyone who may want to expand the use of their voice.
You can find her here.
3. Debbie Ford
Debbie is no longer with us, but her books have impacted countless people in a profound way. I highly recommend the Consciousness Cleanse to all of my clients because it is written in such an exquisite, authentic, high vibrational way. Her words are deeply impactful in a way that is reserved for the rare few who can deliver this type of transmission.
On days that I need a boost, I turn to any page and am instantly uplifted and grounded back in to my purpose. I read a lot of books, and this is one of just a handful that has truly transformed me.
She is also closely associated with shadow work, and does so in an amazingly loving and accessible way. Check out her book The Dark Side of the Light Chasers if you want to explore more about holding the wholeness of yourself - ALL of your parts - with deep love.
Who are your favorite helpers, healers, doctors, or coaches in the personal development community? Who's impacted you the most? I would love to hear in the comments below.
First of all, yay. Election's over. Let's all go take a nap and chill for a second.
One thing I know for sure is that we are solidly in a period of WTF is even happening on a daily basis. Ultimately, I believe it's for our highest good, and wonder if we really were THAT asleep to have to be rocked so hard MULTIPLES TIMES in order to awaken from our slumber.
It looks like the answer to that is, yes, most likely.
I can honestly say that 2020 has been one of my hardest years, but also one of my best. Can anyone else relate?
I faced personal devastation amidst collective chaos when I my mom died on the same day George Floyd was killed while we were two months into the pandemic that turned the world on its head.
I couldn't take the time and space that I needed to grieve because I was helping support my son through understanding the riots while simultaneously showing up to the community of South LA as a psychologist holding space for all of the activated trauma there - oh, and of course trying to deal with finding toilet paper and prepping for the apocalypse.
The person I was in May 2020 had ALREADY been through many things that made me a strong woman. But with all of that happening, I was a minute away from calling 911 on myself.
I've been asked daily by the Universe, "How much can you hold?"
There have been days where I've cried, wanted to tear my hair out and give up, and fell into deep victim mode. That's all good, and understandable as a human.
However, one of my core beliefs is that through struggle comes growth. Immense opportunity. And what I've discovered (now that I'm through it, of course) is that I can hold A LOT.
I'm the strongest and most resilient I've ever been in my life, and I'm tending to myself. I know who I am like never before. I also know how to be impeccable with self care, setting boundaries, and saying NO to what I can't or don't want to handle.
I also know that I need to get better about asking for help and admitting that I can't do it all alone. And that I have a lot more work to do around softening, surrendering, and allowing myself to be held (the next level of the feminine I'm being asked to master.)
I laugh when I remember that I called this all in. In January 2020, I set intentions for the next decade. Here was intention #1:
I want to master feeling the ecstasy of life, fully opening to the pleasure of the human experience, within myself and everyone, riding the waves of chaos and seeing the beauty in it all, the dark and the light, the beauty in tears and anger, the majesty of our spectrum of emotions, transmuting every moment into the pleasure of being alive in this exact moment - and hoping to inspire others to do the same.
Be careful what you wish for, right?
Seriously, though, I stand by this. I KNOW that we are all being asked to increase our ability to hold intensity. We are. I believe it's actually part of a collective upgrade to our nervous systems (and especially to those of us who are 'empaths' or 'highly sensitive people.')
In this time of great transition, you're either going to rise to the occasion or really struggle.
And for those of us who are helpers/healers, we need to develop the capacity to hold space for others at a level deeper than we ever imagined.
Part of this opening to intensity and holding it all is an art form. It's not always feasible to say, BRING IT ALL ON NOW! There are some days we will be strong enough to face it, and some days we won't.
The Universe is serving up buckets of intensity at warp speed, and we have to choose and prioritize how we respond, and how we CAN respond in each moment.
One simple (yet crucial) question that we all need to ask ourselves is, "Is my battery full or low?"
Part of ensuring that we all have enough juice to be able to get through these days is being honest with what we can and can't handle. And being deeply mindful of this dance we need to do between deep self care and work in the world. Many activists need to take a day off, get themselves into the tub, and soak for a bit.
I am optimistic, though, that we are finally learning that we cannot help anyone if we are not helping ourselves.
The biggest lesson that I'm learning relates strongly to developing collective resilience:
There is a reframing happening in my mind around what is and is not acceptable. A welcoming of ALL THAT IS with open arms and seeing everything as SO FUCKING BEAUTIFUL. A welcoming of the chaos, of the messiness, of death, of the hard stuff, of courageous conversations, of being stretched in ways WAY outside of my comfort zone. A deep internalization of the life/death/life cycle that is intimately tied to sacred evolution.
It goes back to this idea of being able to hold it all. I really don't believe that we can feel the depths of ecstasy without also being able to hold the depths of sorrow. Can I dance along this spectrum of life, feeling it all, honoring it all?
I'd like to see...